Cross the darkness and embrace the dawn 穿越黑暗,迎来黎明 

28th June 2016  /  life upon life, significant story, highlight

Here is my favorite passage: “Every snow flake in the world is beautiful, they fall into everyone’s heart, no matter you are rich or poor, no matter you are best or worst. Each snowflake falls occasionally as well as inevitably, and each flower withers predestined but also unpredictable. So do humans, each one’s karma is doomed but nobody can foresee it.” Which was partially selected from one of Qingxuan Lin’s essays . And I was deeply touched by the words the first time I came across them. I read them again and again, though I was not able to figure out the true essence of “chan,” I still have some shallow understanding of my own. In fact, I believe in destiny, otherwise something that happened cannot be explained. 

What I am telling now is my own story. On the day I was born , my grandpa fainted when informed of that I was a girl. And since that day, my memory was filled with the scenes where they fought and quarreled. I was honored as a little teacher when being in the kindergarten, but one day I heard my mom whispered: “Why isn’t she as smart as other children? They are all cleverer than her.” On hearing this, I sobbed a lot for the whole night . The pillow towel was completely wet through the next morning. Maybe mom dislike a conservative child, I thought. When I was at primary school, the homework seemed to doubled, I don’t remember it well. But I do remember the time when my Chinese teacher threw the exercise books one by one upon my face, which forced me to stepped backwards, from the front desk to the last one. And I do remember the time when my math teacher slapped me in the face with my exercise book while scolding me. But to my surprise, in the meeting of parents and teachers, my teachers would praise me : “If only other children behave as well as her, we could be free of worry.” 

Later on I made acquaintance with my best friend in primary school. She was from Anhui Province and her family made a living on selling coal. And she began doing chores for the family as well as helping with the business since she was a little girl, which made her shrewd. However, she doesn’t like studying. There was no doubt that we were walking far and far way on our respective life roads, though we were still friends. But she began to change when she made acquaintance with some bullies. It was in grade 6 that my deskmate had some quarrels with her and even fetched a knife from home, trying to kill her. It was me that had prevented this from happening and handed the knife to the teacher, yet as a result she broke up with me and the last words were: “Don’t you mind your own business? Just stab me! Better kill me!” It sounded cool. Afterwards she broke off with her parents and quit school after junior middle school , even though she was admitted to a normal high school. Now she works for others in a bar and kind of performing well while muddling along with so-called "gangdom guys." 

Everybody has his own fate, I think. I had my one hand broken when I was in grade 2. But unfortunately I was encountered with the surgery risk of one in a million. Consequently my hand seems to cease growing up in spite of these years’ going hither and thither, seeking effective treatment , which I feel sorry for my parents. After graduating from primary school, I came to Zhenjiang, where several misfortunes stretched out their claws to me one by one, including a somewhat serious traffic accident. I hate them from my bottom of heart. To tell you the truth, I will never forget the things happened during the three years in junior middle school, which I have teared the page into pieces after writing them down last time. In the most confusing and rebelling, as well as the most fragile period of life, I had to gone through all this, which nearly had twisted my soul since everything turned out to be contrary to my expectations, like stupid plots in clumsy and immature novels. And I indeed hate this feeling. 

All in all I have changed a lot and don’t feel a pity for myself anymore. I heard it from my best friend by accident that the two girls who got along well with me in primary school were both living in single-parent family, which they had always hidden from me. One girl’s parents got divorced when she was only two, then she went living with her grandma. The other girl’s mother married to another man after getting divorced. And as a result she had a new sister. How similar their experiences are! Maybe someday we three would embrace each other and cry together. Who knows? But I am a positive and sunshine girl in many other people’s eyes, only I can see there is a hole in my heart, perhaps I am a good disguiser and perhaps nobody here can truly understand me. I can remember once I incited others to apply for Zhenjiang, but changed to Dantu myself. 

I want to laugh and cry, too. It doesn’t matter how you will think of me. I was indeed a bad girl, a bad girl with no heart. But still, I have a ray of hope. Because I believe that fate has its own reasons to arrange all of this. I believe I can crawl out of the deep cave. And I believe perhaps no setbacks would beat you up once fed up with enough setbacks, and perhaps everyone would go out from the hell, like all the dawns would cross dark nights. Perhaps they will.

韩雪茹 Xueru Han

很喜欢一段话:生活中的每一片雪花都是美好的,都下在我们的心田,不执有无,不必分别,没有高下每一片雪的落下,都是偶然的,也是必然每一朵花的兴谢,都是必然的,也是偶然每个人的因缘,虽不可预知,却有既定的流向来自林清玄的散文集《为君叶叶起清风》,第一次看到就被深深地触动,颠来倒去的读,我当然无法了无禅机,所有的不过是一些片面的浅显的理解。不管怎么说我相信命运,不然有些故事无法解释。我所要讲的,是我自己的故事。我出生的时候,爷爷知道是个女孩儿,竟然昏倒了。回忆中最多的是他们吵架打架的场景。幼儿园时,我已经开始做小老师了。一天晚上,听到妈妈压低声音悄悄地问:“你说她怎么就没别的孩子这么多心眼,你看人家多聪明。”然后我哭了一个晚上,第二天早上枕巾湿透了。妈妈不喜欢太老实的孩子。开始上小学,作业突然变得很多,不太记得清,只有两个场景:一是语文老师把作业本砸到我脸上,从讲台砸到后黑板;二是数学老师拿着练习册朝脸上扇,嘴里喋喋不休的骂。而到了第一次开家长会,老师却说:“要是其他孩子都像她这么省心就好了。”结识了小学阶段最好的朋友,他们家是买煤炭的,安徽人。她从小就为家里烧饭卖炭干各种伙计了,所以很精明,但她不爱学习,我们之间的差距毫无疑问变得越来越大,但还是朋友。她结交了一些社会上的人,开始变了。六年级,我的同桌和她发生口角,脑子不太好,下午竟然带了把刀来,要杀她。我把刀骗来交给老师,但结果她却和我结交了。最后一句话是:“你干嘛管闲事,让她捅,捅死我好了。”挺霸气的。后来,后来她好像和父母断绝了关系。初中毕业后就不上了,尽管她考上了一所普通的高中。现在在酒吧打工,整天和一些所谓的黑道上的人混,在当初的一批混的同学中倒也是风生水起。人各有命吧。二年级的一个课间摔断了手,医生医术不精几百万分之一的手术风险被我碰上,与十几年来一直东奔西走四处求医,现在是彻底停止了生长。没什么,只是觉得很对不起爸妈。小学毕业后,来了镇江,于是各种不幸纷至沓来,包括一场不小的车祸,我其实特别不欢迎他们。但现在初中三年发生的那些事情我这辈子都不会忘。上次写的东西结束后我就撕碎扔掉了,初中三年本来也是最叛逆最迷茫最脆弱的时候,又偏偏让我经历了那些事,大概我的心也已经被扭曲了吧,终于变成了自己最讨厌的那个样子。事态发展都远远超出自己的预料,就像极不成熟又笔法拙劣的小说的情节一样狗血。总之我也变了很多很多。后来终于不再悲悯自己了。无意中从闺蜜口中得知,初中阶段和我关系最好的两个人都是单亲家庭。她们一直瞒着我。她们两个本来都是在上海,其中一个人两岁时爸妈就离婚了,一直在外祖家过。另一个也差不多,她妈妈后来嫁了一个比自己大十几岁的人,于是她又有了一个姐姐。也是很巧,说不定哪一天我们三个人到要抱团哭呢。可是很多人眼里的我是阳光的乐观的,只有我自己知道我的心底有个洞,也许我伪装的真的很好,也许是因为这里没有了解我的人。当初巴巴的劝别人报镇江,结果自己却愣是改了丹徒,突然很想笑,又很想哭。不管你们看到这些会怎么想,怎么想都好,现在的我的确很坏,没有心的那种坏。但是我还有那么一点希望,我相信命运安排这一切自有它的道理,我相信我最终能从洞里爬出来。我相信。也许百毒侵遍就能百毒不侵了,也许每个人都会这样从深渊里走出来,就像所有黎明都穿过黑夜。

也许吧。