Here is my favorite passage: “Every snow flake in the world is beautiful, they fall into everyone’s heart, no matter you are rich or poor, no matter you are best or worst. Each snowflake falls occasionally as well as inevitably, and each flower withers predestined but also unpredictable. So do humans, each one’s karma is doomed but nobody can foresee it.” Which was partially selected from one of Qingxuan Lin’s essays . And I was deeply touched by the words the first time I came across them. I read them again and again, though I was not able to figure out the true essence of “chan,” I still have some shallow understanding of my own. In fact, I believe in destiny, otherwise something that happened cannot be explained.
What I am telling now is my own story. On the day I was born , my grandpa fainted when informed of that I was a girl. And since that day, my memory was filled with the scenes where they fought and quarreled. I was honored as a little teacher when being in the kindergarten, but one day I heard my mom whispered: “Why isn’t she as smart as other children? They are all cleverer than her.” On hearing this, I sobbed a lot for the whole night . The pillow towel was completely wet through the next morning. Maybe mom dislike a conservative child, I thought. When I was at primary school, the homework seemed to doubled, I don’t remember it well. But I do remember the time when my Chinese teacher threw the exercise books one by one upon my face, which forced me to stepped backwards, from the front desk to the last one. And I do remember the time when my math teacher slapped me in the face with my exercise book while scolding me. But to my surprise, in the meeting of parents and teachers, my teachers would praise me : “If only other children behave as well as her, we could be free of worry.”
Later on I made acquaintance with my best friend in primary school. She was from Anhui Province and her family made a living on selling coal. And she began doing chores for the family as well as helping with the business since she was a little girl, which made her shrewd. However, she doesn’t like studying. There was no doubt that we were walking far and far way on our respective life roads, though we were still friends. But she began to change when she made acquaintance with some bullies. It was in grade 6 that my deskmate had some quarrels with her and even fetched a knife from home, trying to kill her. It was me that had prevented this from happening and handed the knife to the teacher, yet as a result she broke up with me and the last words were: “Don’t you mind your own business? Just stab me! Better kill me!” It sounded cool. Afterwards she broke off with her parents and quit school after junior middle school , even though she was admitted to a normal high school. Now she works for others in a bar and kind of performing well while muddling along with so-called "gangdom guys."
Everybody has his own fate, I think. I had my one hand broken when I was in grade 2. But unfortunately I was encountered with the surgery risk of one in a million. Consequently my hand seems to cease growing up in spite of these years’ going hither and thither, seeking effective treatment , which I feel sorry for my parents. After graduating from primary school, I came to Zhenjiang, where several misfortunes stretched out their claws to me one by one, including a somewhat serious traffic accident. I hate them from my bottom of heart. To tell you the truth, I will never forget the things happened during the three years in junior middle school, which I have teared the page into pieces after writing them down last time. In the most confusing and rebelling, as well as the most fragile period of life, I had to gone through all this, which nearly had twisted my soul since everything turned out to be contrary to my expectations, like stupid plots in clumsy and immature novels. And I indeed hate this feeling.
All in all I have changed a lot and don’t feel a pity for myself anymore. I heard it from my best friend by accident that the two girls who got along well with me in primary school were both living in single-parent family, which they had always hidden from me. One girl’s parents got divorced when she was only two, then she went living with her grandma. The other girl’s mother married to another man after getting divorced. And as a result she had a new sister. How similar their experiences are! Maybe someday we three would embrace each other and cry together. Who knows? But I am a positive and sunshine girl in many other people’s eyes, only I can see there is a hole in my heart, perhaps I am a good disguiser and perhaps nobody here can truly understand me. I can remember once I incited others to apply for Zhenjiang, but changed to Dantu myself.
I want to laugh and cry, too. It doesn’t matter how you will think of me. I was indeed a bad girl, a bad girl with no heart. But still, I have a ray of hope. Because I believe that fate has its own reasons to arrange all of this. I believe I can crawl out of the deep cave. And I believe perhaps no setbacks would beat you up once fed up with enough setbacks, and perhaps everyone would go out from the hell, like all the dawns would cross dark nights. Perhaps they will.
韩雪茹 Xueru Han